5 Buttons That Don't Need to Exist

5 Buttons That Don't Need to Exist

5 Buttons That Don't Need to Exist

I’m sat in my armchair. Coffee’s gone lukewarm. Staring at a perfectly good appliance that somehow needs instructions. That’s when it hit me—half the buttons in this world are just there to waste what little patience I’ve got left.

1. The Elevator Door Close Button (A Work of Fiction)

You ever stood there, pressed the “close door” button like a responsible adult, and watched the doors… do absolutely nothing?

That button’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot. It’s not closing anything. It’s there to give you the illusion of control while the lift decides, in its own sweet time, when it’s ready to move. Meanwhile, someone always walks up and presses it again, like it’s going to suddenly wake up and say, “Ah yes, this is the press that matters.”

2. The Coffee Machine “Start” Button That Needs Three Presses

I bought a coffee machine to simplify my morning. Not to negotiate with it like it’s a stubborn toddler.

You press “start.” Nothing. Press it again. Still nothing. Third time—finally—it whirs into action like you’ve cracked some secret code. By that point, I’ve aged a year and considered switching to tea. It’s coffee, not launching a rocket. One press. That’s the deal.

3. The “Any Key” on a Keyboard

Computers love telling you to “press any key.”

Which one? Where is it? Did I miss the big “ANY” key next to the space bar? I’ve been using keyboards for decades and I’ve yet to find it. It’s the sort of instruction that sounds helpful until you actually think about it—and then you realise it’s complete nonsense.

4. Microwave “Popcorn” Buttons With Five Options

Popcorn. You put it in. You heat it. It pops. That’s the entire process.

So why does the microwave need five different popcorn settings? “Light popcorn.” “Butter popcorn.” “Cinema experience popcorn,” probably. I don’t need a menu. I need heat. Every time I press one, I’m just guessing and hoping I don’t end up with either burnt rubble or a bag full of sad, unpopped kernels.

5. The Kettle On Button (Because Apparently That Was Too Hard)

Now this one really gets me.

A kettle has one job: boil water. That’s it. We’ve had this figured out for years. But now? You’ve got to press a button. Sometimes it lights up. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes you’re not even sure it’s working until you stand there listening like a detective waiting for a confession. It’s a kettle. It shouldn’t need a user manual.

Final Thoughts (Before My Coffee Gets Cold Again)

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m just getting old and grumpy. But it feels like the world’s full of buttons that don’t do anything except test your patience.

Anyway, I made a shirt about this. Link below if you agree.

Sign up if you want more of these little rants—I’ve got plenty left in me.

I made a shirt about this. Link in bio if you relate.

#OldManSnark #ButtonsThatDontWork #NoTimeForStupidity